Frum and Sober in Crown Heights!!

Becoming a Baal Tshuva in a Yeshivah in Crown Heights was the best decision I ever made. I am learning more and more about Yiddishkite every day and I have grown so much. Sure I learned a lot about myself in 12 step recovery, and 4.5 years of sobriety is a major accomplishment for me, but let me tell you it is nothing compared to the 24 hours a day of spiritual immersion I get here at Hadar Hatorah. Oh and the Farbrenghens, and Shalom Zachars, Bris Milas, Weddings, Bar Mitzvahs and Holidays! They are so wonderful! Everyone is so consumed with Joy and Festiveness, and amazing inspiration, and everyone cares so much that you are also having a good time. Even if a person is not so social or perhaps they are a bit shy, they are pulled in to the dancing and singing of niggunim. Quite often the introvert is singing at the top of his lungs along with the crowd. It is really a beautiful thing to be part of and it makes a person feel like they have finally made a home. Oh and the Lechayims as well!! No Jewish gathering would be complete without Moshke!! Everyone toasts together and even those that would perhaps go a little slower end up letting loose with a few shots under their belt. So what does a person do that doesn’t drink. This is a difficult situation. Folks don’t often get a glimpse of what it looks like from the vantage of the non-drinker. Certainly everything that goes on at these events is straight out of Ahavas Yisrael. You can feel the love around you just being around other Frum Jews. Yet for some reason, Jews often don’t realize the dangerous boundaries they cross in the name of fellowship. Here are some of my own personal experience that will shed a bit of light on the challenges of a non drinker. First of all it is important to realize that for me to drink is to return to a really messed up life. If I was to drink, more than likely, I would be sucked away from Yiddishkite and probably end up in a jail, a hospital or a graveyard. It is that serious and so I don’t even touch a drop and haven’t for nearly 5 years. I have found that there is constant encouragement everywhere you go to drink, whether it is making Kiddish or going to a Farbrenghen. Baruch Hashem, that I have the strength to follow through with my commitment to serve Hashem the best I can, yet I find it very difficult at times to hold back my resentments on this issue. On the one hand, it is a great annoyance for me and on the other hand, I cannot help thinking of how many Jews may have been turned away because of good intentions of trying to make me feel like one of the boys. I often get comments from folks when they find out I am Sober and Frum. One kid said I picked the wrong religion to be Sober in. (More recently he confided in me that till he became Frum, he didn’t drink that often.) A Rabbi recently offered me many spiritual reasons why I should consider drinking again. He told me how I have become so much more mature and I have so much more self control, that I should test the waters. It is what Hashem wants. He spent 30 minutes trying to corner me on the topic. (He got quiet when I told him sarcastically that the first time I decide to test the waters will be at his house on Shabbos in front of his family.) Often I have heard that it is important to drink Moshka (Vodka) at a Farbrenghen in order to subdue the animal soul and to be able to open up to each other. Yet I think about when the Rabbis that wrote these ideas that perhaps they hadn’t heard about the 12 steps. Maybe, just maybe, the peace and tranquility I get from practicing the steps actually produce the same or better effect above and beyond that of Moshka. One time I went to a Shabbos Dinner where the Grape Juice bottle and the Wine bottle which were from the same company got switched, which caused a slight accident for me during Kiddush. I was disgusted that even with all of my efforts to avoid, that wine had gotten past my lips and down my throat. Even if it was only a few drops it was enough to make me feel as if I had been violated. That even through my best efforts to prevent such a thing, it had become beyond my control one more time. This is a terrifying thought for an Alcoholic like me. Yet I was reminded of what the AA Big Book said about cringing from alcohol as if it were a hot flame. My friend said it was proof of my spiritual fitness and of working a good program. Another time I went to a Shalom Zokker (Lechayim when a person has a new baby), and one of the hosts was adamant that I drink with him. I said no thank you, and he said “Oh, but this is a great event! A Jewish baby was born today and you must drink!” He hands me a Corona and I said pushed it away. He insisted more, so I grabbed it and put it on the table and asked my friend to take care of it. Of course he misunderstands and opens it, pours a glass and places it by me. Then the host pours a shot of whiskey and there I am staring an Ice cold Corona and a shot of whisky. Inside I was fuming mad, but I decided that I could leave it on the table and be nice, but get out of there quickly. I should have loudly said “No Means No!” because it felt like the type of controlling behavior one would get from a rapist. I had to expose my alcoholism in order to get him to stop, and of course then came the jokes all night. Recently I went to a Jewish Recovery meeting in Crown Heights, and there was a Jew that actually left Yeshiva and stopped being frum, because he didn’t want to drink anymore. It wasn’t wearing a black hat, davening 3 times a day or wrapping Tfillin that scared him away from Yiddishkite. It wasn’t any of these. It was the loving attempt of a Yid trying to make another Yid feel like one of the crowd, and this type of thing happens every weekend to many Jews in Recovery. So what is it that can be done this problem? Why aren’t people more sensitive to the non-drinker? A person should be able to say no thank you and not have to expose why they don’t drink. It is a real problem and an embarrassing one at that. Many people obnoxiously push alcohol making it extremely uncomfortable for those of us who don’t drink, to live in the community and stay sober. Potential baal tshuvahs are turned away from Judaism all together. Perhaps I might suggest a few ideas. Newspapers should print education on how to treat the non drinker in a sensitive manner. Chabad Houses could give a sermon on Shabbat. Perhaps there should be some sober Farbrenghens. Maybe educational flyers could be given out amongst the Yeshivas and Synagogues and the bacherim could be encouraged to teach this value to eachother as well.

 

The Real Hannukah Story

Happy Hannukah everyone and thank you for following my blog.  This week has been so busy with Mitzvoyim I haven’t had anytime to think or write. We rented an RV and decorated the outside.  We have a loudspeaker and have been going around town with Niggunim playing, throwing out Menorahs, gelt and spreading holiday cheer.  Been out till 2am every morning.  Somehow I got suckered into being in charge and driving, Oy Veyyyy!!  Oh and I will have updates on the book donations and the guy in the shelter (He came out for Shabbos!!).  Anyway, on to the story!

So Rabbi Goldberg told us a story a bit differently than I ever heard it before.  First, it is important to know that Israel had been under Egyptian and then Syrian rule before without being restricted on their Religious practice.  Then came the Hellenistic Syrians.  They were intellectuals, scientists and mathemeticians with an enourmous military strength.  They espoused other cultures and benefited through assimilation.  They would adopt traditions of those they conquered.  Of course those traditions that would give them strength and power over the people, but not the traditions that made no sense.

In Judaism, we do many things that don’t make sense on a physical or philosophical level, but that we are taught to do by Hashem through the Torah.  The Syrians assimilated with those Jews willing to ban the nonsensical traditions.  They gave them high positions and this created a rift between the pious Torah followers and the more lenient Jews.  The lenient Jews argued over who would get to be high priest in the Temple and wanted to “modernize” the traditions.  The Pious ones kept the laws.  So the Syrians passed a decree that banned Circumcision.  They looted the Temple and placed a statue of Zeus inside while sacrificing Pigs inside.  They passed laws that gave rights of Syrian military leaders to be the first to sleep with newlywed Jewish women.  The Pious Jews got together and created the MACCABEES (My Chamocha Boelim Ad-nigh or (“Who is With Hashem”)  While history says there were about 6000 Maccabbees, it is beleived that there were only a few dozen fighters that were all Cohen Priests.  They engaged in Guerilla Warfare and took on armies of tens of thousands.

Matisyahu, the leader of the Maccabbees had a daughter.  The Syrian General wanted his daughter for himself.  This news got back to his daughter and she wanted to help win the fight.  So she grabbed a jug of wine and some expensive Cheese and walked into the enemy camp.  She asked to see the General.  They were only glad to please the General and so they took her to him.  When they met, she suggested a private audience where they could talk.   She served him wine and cheese and told him stories as she poured the wine.  Eventually he got drunk and fell asleep.  Quietly she unsheathed his sword and chopped off his head.  Then she put it into her bag and went back to give her father the head.  By Dawn, when the Syrians awoke, they saw their General’s head on the top of a Pole. This destroyed their morale and was the beginning of the end of the fighting.  Eventually the Syrians were forced to lift their evil decrees and the Jews rededicated the Temple.  Yet they needed to light the Menorah and they hardly had any oil that was pure for Temple Service.  They could of used impure oil, but that would have violated Hashem’s Decrees.  So they used what they had and trusted Hashem and the oil that would of lasted a few hours lasted 8 days.  And so today we light for 8 days celebrating the real Miracles that enabled Judaism to have a future of continuing to serve Hashem!!

 

Success in my Mitzvoyim Campaign!!

So finally I found a Jew to help with my Mitzvoyim campaign. In case you didn’t know, I have been seeking to help Jews that were Homeless or in shelters/institutions etc… It hasn’t been easy to find one, and I have been working to get my name out there. Well, in this case one of the managers at Hadar Hatorah had gotten word of someone needing help, and so they though I would be interested.

So I called the guy up and found out he had been sober for 6 months, was living in a county sober house and was terrified of where he was living. So I invitd him to an AA meeting. He joined me on the train and we talked quite a bit. Apparently there is a lot of criminal activity, drug dealing, etc. where he is living.

In addition to that, he recently began to wrap Tfillin occasionally and he wants to expand his Yiddishkite.  He is not yet ready for Yeshivah, but he is very attracted to Hassidim.

So currently I am trying to help him with getting a job. Once he is working, there are many programs to help him further with financial assistance. I also have put the word out in the community that he needs to find a place. Apparently there are no Jewish sober living houses in NYC that I could find.  I do have some good leads to follow up on for housing assistance, though. If anyone has any other ideas, or knows of safe housing in and around Brooklyn or NYC that would be real helpful.

As for the spiritual, I am gonna get him out here in Crown Heights for Shabbos and Hannukah, and try and find him the right Chabad Center.

If you like the work that I am doing, please consider Donating by clicking on the Donate Button at the top of the page. Also read my “Punished For Purpose” article to see my latest project to help give hope to a family of Rape victims. In addition, please spread the word and get your friends to this site. Thank you for your support!!!

 

“Punished For Purpose” Need Your Help

So I’m at a Farbrenghen with R. Moshe Krevitzky speaking.  Krevitsky is wonderful as relates to us deep Hassidic concepts of Torah and existence.  Then, one of our Bacharim speaks out, and says how dare you say bad things happen for a purpose.  Would you say that of my cousins that were raped by their stepfather?  Apparently the man was very angry at Hashem and so the discussion continued.  It was the old unaswerable question “Why do bad things happen to good people?”  It was a great discussion.

Then I remembered how I got back to Judaism and about the person that became my “eskimo” that brought me to Chabad of MV.  That would be Lauri Burns.  I mentioned her in a previous article and her link is on my links page.  Lauri was abused by her father and became locked away in a mental institution to hide her from her mother.  6 months later, Mom finally finds her and gets her out, but by this time the damage is done.  She becomes an uncontrollable teenager that becomes emancipated from both her parents and resorts to living on the streets as a hooker wanting to die.  She nearly gets her wish being left in the woods beaten up and raped by 2 Johns.  She falls into alcohol and drugs and then finally gets sobered up through AA.  She turns her life around, and then over time begins to help emancipated children escape the streets and go to college and get married in a healthy way.  She has helped more than 20 children out of their situation, becoming their mother.  She is now the founder of “The Teen Project” and has just authored her autobiography which is titled “Punished For Purpose”.

So I told this Bachar the story i just told you and asked if he would like his cousins to receive a signed copy.  He said that would really be great.  So now I need to raise money.  I think there are 7 kids in all that are affected.  Each copy is $30.  So I need Donors.  If I can get at least 1 book in their hands that would be great, but I think 7 copies will be doable with your help.  Please consider donating any amount.  I promise to publish results.  Oh and by the way Lauri’s website is http://www.punishedforpurpose.com/ Consider buying the book for yourself as well.

You can donate by sending a check to Yaakov Mark, 824 Eastern Parkway, Brooklyn, NY 11213 or check out my PayPal Button.

 

Netzak! When Esav gets you down….

This week’s Parsha features Yaakov at one of his lowest points.  Facing defeat by his brother and the 400 warriors coming to defeat him, he begins to lose hope.  First he divides his camp into 2 so that while one gets defeated the other one would survive.  Then he sends out men one at a time with wagonloads of his belongings, and livestock.  Each one would mention to Esav that this was a gift from his brother.  So he gives up all his belongings, and one at a time Esav would recive these presents.  Meanwhile, Yaakov is left alone, and begins to wrestle with this man beside him.  The man is actually God.  Finally he forces God to give him a blessing, which he gets, but God cripples his hip a little bit in the process.

So here he is at the lowest of the lowest.  He loses all his material wealth, and possibily half his own people, and perhaps the life of his family and his own self.  So he finally gets to a point where he asks God, “Why are you doing this?  I thought we had a deal?  I was suppose to father many nations and now your doing this to me?  I demand my blessing.

So let’s take a look at this from a Hassidis perspective.   A few questions are important to understand to make this useful to us in our lives.  What is it that motivates a person under normal circumstances?  When all hope is lost?  How do we use this trait for our own battles with life?

So first off, What is it that motivates us?  I remember back in my sales days we would use the acronym f.a.g.  It meant Fear, Ambition, or Greed.  I have also heard the phrase that everyone is either running away from something, or running toward something.  So what are we afraid of?  We are afraid that we won’t get what we want.  What are we running toward?  We are running toward what we want.  What are we running away from? Something that takes away what we want.  Ambition and Greed are for those things that we want.  Hmmm…Are you seeing a pattern here?

 

Ok, so what does it mean to want something.  In Hassidus, the thing that drives our wants and desires is Tinug.  Tinug is the supernal pleasure which exists in the higher worlds.  The problem with Tinug is that even though there is an unlimited supply, that supply never manifests into a state of being that says “Finally, I made it.”  Of course that is by design for the mere fact that if that were the case, the motivating factor of Tinug would be lost.  Tinug is also tied to Sechel and Bina which are intellect and understanding respectively.  If we understand something, we receive a type of pleasure from Tinug in order to motivate us to do that task.

The problem is that most of the things that would be good for us are not tied to pleasure or understanding.   Serving Hashem himself may not be tied to Tinug at all.  We may have no comprehension of why he wants us to do a certain mitzvah for example.

So what do we do when all hope is lost, or we completely don’t understand why a certain circumstance is happening?  This is when a power given to us by Hashem that is found right in the deepest part of our souls needs to be revealed.  It is called Netzak.  This word is found often in the Siddur.  Netzak is the attribute of Victory.  It is manifested by the idea of Matseres Nefesh which is complete loss of self.  This is the essential idea of our Parsha.

Yaakov wrestles with Hashem and goes through all the hopeless ideas of Why me? and What did I do to deserve this?  He gets angry.  Demands that Hashem gives him what is promised.  Then he goes on Matseres Nefesh and confronts his brother, regardless of the results.  Of course his brother Esav softens up a bit after all the gifts and his own fear of Hashem.

For myself, I have recently had to struggle.  My room became infested by Bedbugs and I got bitten all over.  I also got very sick, and am still sick.  I got angry with Hashem.  I stayed in bed instead of Davening and going to class.  I got depressed.  Then I demanded that Hashem get me well and kill these bugs so I can study.  After all, I am studying to do his will and not my own.  Ok, so I am not a complete Tzaddik, but the Netzak is trickling in and I think I will make it to Mincha!!!

 

Jewish Perspective on Addiction

http://www.chabad.org/1330442

It’s not a chemical problem, its an existence problem!

 

Ahhhh…Mrs. Rubenfeld’s Cholent

This week was so jam packed with Kedusha.  Why?  Because of the International Schluchim Convention bringing by so many familiar faces.  Rabbi Zalman Kantor visited me and we laughed until 2p in the morning.  I think I might actually write about one particular story, but I will keep you all in suspense.  We had so many farbrenghens this week, with all the Schluchim in town.  Must have been 50 farbrenghens.  Then my good friend Mendy Rubenfeld came for a visit and all day today I joined him for the Picarski and Goldfeldt (I hope I have the names right)  family Bar Mitzva.  Then we went to his Uncle’s house and I met the Friedmans, including Mannis Friendman and I got to see my friend Chaim Marcus who introduced me to his brother Yossi.  Both are brother’s in the band 8th day and they are brothers to my Moshpiach Zalman Marcus.  Oh and I forgot to mention last Thursday was Rabbi Worceburg’s Son’s Hassan party.  Everyone was there including MATISYAHU who I really wanted to meet for a long time.  So back to today, I met Mendy’s parents as well at the last Shabbos meal I went to and I got to meat the Moshgiach for the NK(Natural Kosher) symbol.  I am going to try to get him to farbrengh with us on Thursday.  Anyway, tomorrow will also be eventful as My Moshpiach comes in tomorrow.  I am really excited to see him.  Oh and thank you Mrs. Rubenfeld for the amazing Cholent.

 

International Shluchim Conference. Check it out.

International Shluchim Conference. Check it out.

http://www.theyeshivaworld.com/news/General+News/74671/More-Than-4,000-Chabad-Shluchim-To-Gather-This-Sunday-For-Annual-Convention.html

 

This Week’s Parsha: Important Halacha

So we see so very often when a Jewish man gets engaged, he gos crazy b’simcha(with joy).  In the past it was/is very common for such an occasion that the proud husband to be will distribute cigarettes and cigars to all his freinds and family, as a show of his happiness.  So, the question is:  Is there a source in Torah for this?  You’ll have to test your Rabbis on this one folks.  This week’s Parsha has the precise source of this Halacha.

You see this week was about finding a Shidduk for Yitzak.  So Avraham sends out Eleazar, his most trusted servant, to find a Yitzak a wife.  So when he meets Rivka at the well, what does he bring with him?  A pack of CAMELS!!(Gotcha!)  Good Shabbos Everyone!!

For more information on this week’s Parsha:

http://www.chabad.org/parshah/article_cdo/aid/3174/jewish/Chayei-Sarah.htm

 

“אֵרְדָה-אנָּ” (Ordah- Nah! “I will come down” Bereishis 18:21)

This morning we had a wonderful Share from the book of  “Torah Ohr”, which is a compendium of the Alter Rebbe’s explanation of the weekly Parshas of Torah.  ( http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Shneur_Zalman_of_Liadi ) .  The subject was about the idea that Hashem came down to Sodom.  “אֵרְדָה-אנָּ” (Ordah- Nah! “I will come down” Bereishis 18:21).  Why did Hashem need to come down to Sodom though?  Isn’t Hashem infinite?  Is he not in everything everywhere?  Why would he need to come down to Sodom?  All he would have had to do would be to stop creating Sodom, or to send “Melachim” (Angels) down to destroy Sodom and Gemorrah.  But instead he came down.  Isn’t that kind of a menial thing for Hashem to do?

The answer is very interesting. Contained in these 2 words is actually the most fundamental point of the uniqueness of Judaism.   Other nations at their highest level imagine the great magnificence of the INFINITY of Hashem.  After all its only logical that a thing comes before a thing, and a thing before that and so on, right?  And so I know there is a God and he just goes on into oblivion.

To a Yidden though, that is not so magnificent.  Why?  Because what is a ray of light next to the sun?  It is nothing.  A ray of light next to the sun becomes nothing. It goes nowhere.  It does nothing.  It serves no purpose.  Infinity in and of itself serves no real purpose and is no great miracle.  The great miracle of Hashem is his ability to limit himself within the infinity.  He brings 2 opposing concepts defying all logic and produces a creation.  He didn’t say let there be light and light came about.  The light would have been nothing compared to the infinite light of his existence.  Hashem had to erase a bit of himself.  Then create a limited light within that darkness.  Stemming from this light came forth a ray which from further limitations of this ray was born all the worlds and the whole of creation.  And the epitome of all of this creation is of course the human being, because the human being continues to partner with Hashem in this creation process of bringing about Moshiach when the upper worlds will come down and become one with the lower worlds.  Now that is MAGNIFICENT!!

So if you think about it, as Jews we work so hard to develop a Fear or AWE of heaven, and yet, we at the most limited part of creation, are actually the pinnacle of all existence. The Melachim are actually in awe of us, because they have none of this power of creation given to them.

So this really got me thinking all day.  I thought about being a Neshama (Jewish Soul), standing before Hashem!  Hashem says “What do you want?”

I say “Hashem, I want to be close to you!”

“How close do you want to be?  I have a few choices for you…  You can come down into a successful butcher with 8 kids who has no financial difficulties and plenty of yiddishkite.  Or maybe I will make you into a born inheritance so you can learn how to manage money.  These situations will bring you a little closer to me.”

“No Hashem, I want to be really close to you.”

He says, “  Ok, I can put you into a body where you will be a generally good man, but you will have to through 2 divorces and then at the end of the day you will have it easier.”

“No Hashem.  I want to be even closer to you.”

So Hashem says, “ alright I am sending you into the body of an alcoholic pauper.  If you can manage to change your ways and become pious to Torah in such a situation, you will be closer to me as you can be.”

And so here we are.  We are all a bunch of Neshamas that begged to be where we are.  We came here in a state of confusion in order to accomplish a purpose.  The purpose is to take this human being that Hashem gave us, and to complete its creation.  If we succeed, we get to become closer to Hashem.   And so all the challenges and difficulties in this physical world are really a roadmap custom designed to bring us closer to Hashem.  So if you didn’t start off well in your life, and you have many difficulties and challenges to contend with, just understand 2 things.  1.  You begged for it.  2.  You now have a choice on wether or not to complete the creation of Hashem’s work.  What’s it going to be?

I would love to hear your thoughts on this, so please feel free to comment.